Jonas Gray, once hyped as one of the top running back prospects in the country, hasn't exactly lived up to the billing over his first three years at Notre Dame: Fumbles, injuries and a crowded depth chart have limited him to a paltry 75 carries and zero touchdowns with a single season left to make good on the advance billing. In the meantime, he's set out to make his name in South Bend in another, surprising arena: Outshining D-list celebrities as a fledgling stand-up comedian. His first victim: Dustin "Screech" Diamond, the former king of teenage nerd camp – now the creatively and financially bankrupt king of desperate, unapologetic schlock – who was in town this week for a pair of shows at a local bar on Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Gray, taking the stage for only the second time in his life, served as the opening act. And he put the foul-mouthed headliner to shame, if the South Bend Tribune does say so itself:
During a show at the reincarnated CJ's Pub, Gray upstaged headliner Dustin Diamond, the former "Saved By The Bell" staple (Screech) and antagonist from VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club."
"I'm not an a———," Diamond implored the crowd of the VH1 experience. "It was all scripted. They gave me $70,000 to do it. I'd eat a pile of —— for $70,000."
He then launched into about 39 additional minutes of material about body parts and bodily functions.
Gray's cache of comedy was far more diverse and certainly better received, and not just because he had the home-field advantage, with globs of Notre Dame football players pocking the crowd.
The Pontiac, Mich., product poked fun at -- among other things -- online dating, racial stereotypes, people with bad breath and, uh, tastefully, Irish head coach Brian Kelly, who was not in the audience.
"There wasn't anything that shocked me," Jerri Gray [his mother] said, "I thought he'd pick on me a little bit more."
OK, so he impressed a few teammates, a forgiving local newspaper reporter who obviously doesn't care for the "blue" material, and his mom. In comparison to a washed-up emblem of exploitive dreck who has gone out of his way to alienate everyone he's ever worked with. A positive review is a positive review. Everybody has to start somewhere.
In fact, the hardest part of going on stage for Gray was trying to generate publicity for his act within NCAA rules that explicitly prohibit using his name to promote anything that might make money for anyone. (Notre Dame athletics excepted, of course.) The club couldn't promote the act using Gray's name, jersey number or status as an Irish football player, a Facebook page set up for the show had to delete references to Gray, and media were restricted from writing about Gray's presence until the event – and the encore performance on Wednesday night – was over. If Gray was allowed to accept money, he didn't pursue it, "just to be on the safe side."
Obviously, no video or other visual documentation of the evening has surfaced, or it would be front and center here. (If you're like me, you're always game for a good "yo breath so stank" joke.) Anyone in possession of said evidence is encouraged to pass it along, especially if the "racial stereotypes" segment includes a "white people go like this/black people go like this" bit, because really, the classics never grow old, amiright? Is this thing on?
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Matt Hinton is on Twitter: Follow him @DrSaturday.
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